The Pen and Paper Power Trip

by maximusaurus

One of the perks of being a writer is you basically get to be God.

It’s every megalomaniac and control freak’s wet dream; make your own world, make your own rules, manipulate and toy with the characters you create like some kind of trans-dimensional puppet master. And best of all, there’s no pesky ethical guidelines to spoil the fun, anything goes!

It’s like a cheap alternative for those of us who don’t have the wealth or a posh enough accent to be a James Bond villain.

Of course, that’s not why we do it. We’re gentle, kind people, honest. It’s not like we derive perverse joy from messing with the hapless denizens of our private universes.

And it’s certainly not like we’re practicing to actually take over the world one day. No, don’t be silly, all those pages in our browser history about how to poison someone, hire a hit man, or acquire nuclear material, that’s all just research for our completely fictional stories, nothing more.

You know,that’s who the real villains are? Those publishers who get in the way of us distributing our subliminal messages to the innocent peoples of the world who so desperately need to be taken by the hand and led into a glorious future under our benevolent dictatorship. They’re doing to free speech what CGI did to the Bananas in Pajamas, and they should be held accountable for destroying the childhood of a generation of Australians! And what has the government done about this? Nothing!

*Twiddles pen made from the metacarpals of the last publisher to reject my flawless masterpiece*

So yeah, if you know of any publishers, would you kindly leave their contact details so I can send them my work for appraisal? And only my work, of course, not bribes, threats, mind control gas, or anything like that.

Thanks in advance, Earthlings my fellow homo sapiens.